How to Overcome a Painful Divorce
February 27, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Divorce is such an ugly word. It is almost as ugly and hurtful as the feelings that brew and boil inside of you after it happens. Even in the most amicable of divorces, there is still that feeling of failure, a feeling of letting go and that feeling of finality when the papers are signed and the marriage is legally declared “lover.” A marriage that ends tragically or angrily is even harder to deal with. It does more than just hurt, it kills part of your very soul.
I don’t know that you can truly overcome a painful divorce completely. I think instead that you heal around the scars that it leaves behind. You have to treat a divorce for what it truly is: an ending. It is just the same as a death in the family. You mourn the loss of a loved one, so too should you mourn the passing of a marriage.
Think back to your wedding day. You were filled with such love, joy and boundless hope at that time of your life. The future stretched out ahead of you like a rosy pink garden bursting with possibility. You saw days filled with laughter and nights filled with passion, never once dreaming of the turmoil and devastation that troubles you now. Divorce was merely something that happened to other people, except now it has in fact, happened to you,
Mourn. Allow yourself to feel your own feelings for your sanity’s sake. Do not let anybody ever tell you to forget it and just move on. Your heart is broken , damn it! Let it all go. Sob into your pillow, grab your best friend and weep on her shoulder, but let it go. Keeping it inside is not healthy. Express your feelings. Not a crier? Write in a journal, then or paint a picture, but those feelings of loss and sadness have to come out to make room for the more positive emotions to blossom when you are ready.
After you are done with the moping, you might be ready to move on to anger. Anger is also perfectly normal and healthy emotion to have after a painful divorce. Feel like kicking and screaming? Join a kick boxing class and wail tar out of a paid professional. You get buff while you vent, it’s a totally win-win situation! Why shouldn’t you be mad? That man stood before God, friends and family and swore he would love you ‘til death did you part. The last time you checked, neither of you were dead, so that means he lied to you and that is not fair! You’re right, it’s not fair and you have earned every right to be mad as hell.
Do you need counseling to overcome a painful divorce? That is a personal choice that only you can make. Some people cannot reach out to friends and family for support and would feel better taking their problems to a stranger. It is sad but true, some people cannot share their most intimate pain with blood relations, but can pick a stranger out of the phone book and spill their guts. And pay them to do it! If that is what you need to heal, then by all mean do so and do not let anyone talk you out of it. Talking will help, no matter who is doing the listening.
A divorce is an ending, but only of your marriage, not of your life. Maybe you can take this negative and turn it into something good. Your life is being overhauled already, maybe now is the time to take stock in other areas as well. Did you ever think about travel or a career change? Was there a restaurant that you always wanted to try but could not get your spouse interested in? Give it a try now, there is no one to stop you. Sign up for classes at the local community college, or go whole hog and aim for a degree. Write a novel, join the circus, do something to occupy yourself because as painful as it seems at this moment, divorce is not the end of the whole world.
How to Find a Dream Girl
February 27, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
If you know what you want, then you will know where to start looking. Just looking for a wild, one night throw down? Your dream girl might be found in the local bar then. Looking for something more serious? You might consider not looking for love in among the drunken and the desperate.
Start your search by sharing what you are looking for with your friends. Wild animals hunt in packs, so why not the human male? The more people you have on the search, the more likely you will turn up a strong candidate or two. The more options, the better the odds are that you will have some success.
Understand that the concept of a dream girl is a malleable one. What you think of as perfect can prove herself vapid and shallow in the blink of a false eyelash. Once your heart gets involved, that girl you have been kind of seeing can suddenly be bumped up to dream girl status. Don’t get hung up on what society declares ideal, you never know who you will click with once you are face to face.
So, where do you find your dream girl? She could be anywhere, really. She could be the perky blonde passing you in the hallway at work. She could be the smoldering brunette that washes her clothes in your apartment’s laundry room every Thursday night. She might even be the fiery red head that serves you your morning latte. Women are all around you and one of them might very well be your dream girl. You simply have to start talking to them and decide which ones to take out on a date for further consideration.
Remember too, that the dream itself might change when you do find the dream girl. You might have told everybody that you will remain single forever, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Then you meet “her” and everything changes. You start thinking about marriage and having visions of forever. The girl and the dream have changed and you could not be happier. Just think, if you had stayed mule headed about ti, you would have missed out on the opportunity to find this dream girl and the life she has brought with her.
So, smile at the perky blonde or the hot brunette; she just might be your dream girl in hiding. It’s up to you to find her and blow her cover.
Safe Dating Online
February 25, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Searching for a date can be as simple as turning on your computer, but if you are not careful, you could end up with your heart broken or something far, far worse. You have to be safe in any dating situation, but online dating opens up more of the world to you, exposing you to a wider group of people. The more people that you meet, the bigger the odds that you will run into a bad apple or two in the barrel. You simply cannot go off uninformed. It’s a big, bad world out there and the Internet brings it right into your own home.
First things first; know who you are talking to. Meeting someone in a public chat room for a computer conversation is one thing. Meeting that person in real life is something entirely different. If you feel that this might be the one for you, proceed with extreme caution. Never give a stranger your full name, or your home address. Give only your cell phone number if you are giving numbers at this point at all. Do not get drawn or bullied into the “quiet night at home” idea for a first date. If that is the only acceptable idea for him, stop talking to him and block him from further contact.
Make sure that at least one person know that you are going out, where you will be going and when to expect you home. Make sure that you have your cell phone with you and check in with your friends often. Give them as much information as you can about your date. Tell your date up front that you need to touch base with your friends because they are worried about you. If he is a decent human, he will understand, if not, you might consider ending the date right there and then.
A better and usually safer option to prowling the chat rooms are the dating sites. There are countless sites available, some better than others. Look around and check out the features before you sign up. There are a few dating sites where membership and all of its benefits are free to women, so research can save you quite a bit of money. Once you have joined and found your matches, remember, the same rules of safety still apply.
Some people are uncomfortable with a Google search of their dates, some will not even consider a date without one. Either way it is always best to know at least a little bit about your date. Always know the warning signs and have an escape planned if the date goes sour. I know a girl that has a code word for truly awful dates. She calls her friend and pretends to be talking to an answering service. She then announces that she has an emergency and that she must go. For this reason, and for added safety, do not get into a car with someone that you have just met. Take separate cars even if the date is going well and you decide to continue onto a second location. Tell him that you will follow him and do not take no for an answer. A well mannered man will not want you to be uncomfortable, nor will he want to allow you to put yourself in a potentially unsafe situation. Know your dates or keep it public. Be safe or stay home. Period.
Dating a Younger Woman
February 19, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Lucky stud! You are dating a younger woman! Your family probably wants to have you committed and your friends want to do you bodily harm. You are the envy of everyone around you and there are times when you catch our reflection in the mirror and cannot believe that great big old smile is actually on your face. Dating a younger woman can be a very rewarding thing, if you know a few things upfront.
If you are an open minded kind of guy, dating a younger woman can show you a whole new world. Let her show you the music that makes her happy, you might actually like it. Check out the pop culture icons of her generation. Do not be too upset if she says that she has not heard of any of yours. Hopefully she will be as open minded and allow you to show her a taste of your world too.
You must also keep in mind that the bigger the age gap, the bigger the gap in life experiences. If it is only a few years we are talking about, then it might only be a few minor things, but the more years that separate you, the more gaps there will be. Trying to relate to someone the same age as your children without treating them like a child themselves is a dance done on a very fine line.
Younger women for the most part are very health conscious and will more than likely want to try to change your eating and exercise habits. If you met your younger lover at the gym, do not expect her to be happy sitting on the couch night after night eating chips and drinking soda. Her youth is important to her, and she will try to stretch it out for as many years as possible. If she truly does like you, she will more than likely decide that she wants to keep you around for a long time as well. That means new diet and exercise routines for you; you owe it to yourself to at least give her advice a try. If you want to keep up with your young lover, you have to start taking better care of yourself, right?
While it is true that the age difference will mean that there are a lot of things that you do not have in common, you might be surprised at the things you do have. For instance, since women mature faster than men do, the younger woman might have reached an age where she is ready to settle down, where her peers are not. As an older man, you have probably done your own wild oat sowing and are ready as well. Of course, if you are an older man just out of a long term relationship, you might not be looking to start anything serious just now. Make sure that you keep the line of communication open on this so that there are no hurt feelings.
Finally, remember this: age is simply a number. If you do not like vapid women the same age as you, you certainly will not like vapid women twenty years younger, no matter how perky her bum. If you look, feel and act fifty years old, you are not going to be happy with a woman that is the epitome of twenty. Chemistry does not take numbers into account, so look for a connection before checking for age.
Dating for Seniors
February 18, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Growing older does not mean sitting in a rocker surrounded by cats any longer. Better health care and habits means that people are leading longer and longer lives. Our sexual appetite may change over the years, but it does not usually disappear completely. Men have medications available to help with performance issues; now they must find a partner to share with.
Seniors who are alone are more likely to suffer from heath and mental disorders, according to countless studies. It is in everyone’s best interest to encourage them to get out and meet people. Finding that special feeling is the greatest feeling in the world no matter what our age, so try not to hamper your older loved one’s dating attempts.
As a family member, it is hard to see Dad or Mom going out on that first date. It feels like a betrayal of your other parent, and while that is not necessarily true, it is a normal reaction. Of course you are going to feel that way and it is even worse if they are single because of a late in life divorce. You must realize that these seniors grew up in an era where most people did not remain single by choice, and that no matter what their age, they do get lonely too. Don’t be selfish; Mom and Dad deserve some happiness in their golden years too.
If you are a senior looking for a date, then start with the local senior citizen groups. Most communities, large and small have them and they are a great place to connect with people of your own age. If you have the means to travel, sign up for the senior excursions. Not only do you get a nice trip, you get to meet countless other seniors and possibly your special someone.
Active seniors have less arthritic flare pus and may stave off the effects of some dementia related disorders, so check out your local gym or health center. See if they offer senior groups and try out a few until you find one that you really enjoy. You will improve both your health and your social prospects in one shot. And besides, where else do you get to ogle a pool full of nicely ripened ladies? Remember , the older you are, the more likely you will find that your habits and tastes are set in stone. Of course, if you keep an open mind, you mind something new that you would have never thought of before.
One last thing: do not get tied to the notion that you are going to wisk your pretty, young nurse off her feet if you are a lower income senior. That only works in rare cases and in the movies. Besides, do your really want to date someone that you do not have any common ground with? Or that could very well kill you on your first night together? Stick to your own age group and you will be more likely to find your true love. But, no matter what your age group, remember to practice safe sex. Times have changed, and it is imperative that you use a condom, every time.
Dating After a Separation
February 17, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
There is nothing harder than the end of a relationship. Nothing that is except resuming the dating life after a separation. Your friends will try to get you out on that first date too soon, and unless your family truly hated your spouse, will try to make you wait far too long. That first date is a killer, I know, but it must be done. There are just a few things to keep in mind before heading back out in the dating world.
First, make sure that you are moving at your own pace. No one expects you to walk out of a long term relationship without some emotional scars. Dating after a separation has to be about healing and that takes time. Let yourself mope and cry if that is what you need to do. Only you can decide when you are ready to move on.
Now, here is a tip that might make you think I have lost my mind, but bear with me, I do have a point. Do not turn down dates when you finally do get back out in the world. No, I do not advocate dinner and movies with any Joe Schmo that asks you to go, but going out to coffee is good practice. Yes, practice. Get out there and learn what you like and do not like, personality wise. Once you figure out what items are on the positive check list, you can go out and start looking for them!
Don’t try to find a replacement for your ex. That relationship failed for a reason, you know. Going on a lot of dates will also open your eyes to the veritable buffet of available singles out there, and the more dates that you do go on, the more likely you will see that you do not have to settle for less than the very best. Maybe you thought that you preferred athletes until you dated that football player with the odor issue. Lesson learned, right?
The more dates that you go on, especially after separation, the more confidence you will gain. That in turn will make you a happier, more well adjusted person. Once you are happy with you, the chances increase that you will finally meet Mr. Right. Until that day, it’s Mr. Right Now or home alone every Saturday night, it’s your choice. But think about this: do you really want to sit there eating cheese doodles and watching Lifetime movies every weekend while your ex is out partying and living the high life? Do you really want to pick up the Sunday paper and see his face smiling back at you from his engagement announcement photo? Really? Of course you don’t!
The timetable is different for everybody; some people’s hearts heal faster than others. One thing is true for everybody though; dating after a separation is hard. There will be bad dates where you come home and fling yourself on your bed and sob, thinking that you will never love again. Then there will be the good dates where you come home, your lips still quivering from that perfect good night kiss and sigh, thinking that maybe, just maybe there are some good guys out there after all.
How to Communicate with your Eyes
February 16, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Your eyes are the windows to your soul. They give you away when you are happy and when you are sad. They tell on you when you are thinking naughty thoughts. They twinkle like stars, and snap like fireworks. Your lover gets drawn into them every time you kiss. Your eyes can say more than your actual words at times. You communicate more than you will ever know with your eyes.
Look across the table and make eye contact. Let your lover see the twinkles that dance in your eyes whenever you look at him,. Raise one eyebrow suggestively. Maybe even give him a slow, smoldering wink that will guarantee he will wolf that meal down!
Are you upset with him but don’t really want to get drawn into an acrimonious argument? Let him see the pain in your eyes. He will see how dull the color is, the shimmer of threatened tears and it will kill him. No man likes to see the woman that he loves in pain, and he will do whatever it takes to bring the fire back to your eyes.
If you feel guilty about something, you probably will not be making as much eye contact. Ironically, studies show that men who are guilty of infidelity will make more eye contact than considered normal in an attempt to convince others of his innocence..
Your eyes can reveal more than you would really like them to at times. You are pretending to be perfectly happy, and that is what you keep saying to everybody, but your downcast, red rimmed eyes tell a whole different story. You are not happy and we can all tell. Conversely, you are trying to play it cool with a new man, but your eyes snap and sparkle like perfectly cut diamonds. You shake your head and say that he is “okay” when your friends ask, but they can see the light in your eyes whenever you talk about him. Your eyes have just ratted you out!
We wink and bat our eyes to flirt. We roll our eyes to express disgust, annoyance or boredom. We clamp our eyes shut when we are afraid, and open them wide when we are surprised. Our eyes appear partially closed to signal our sexual arousal. Our eyes allow us to pass messages to people when words are not going to get it done. Every single emotion we feel as humans shows in our eyes.
We look for messages in our lover’s eyes and hope that we are not misreading cues. We mourn when we look into lifeless eyes and realize there is no feeling there to be expressed any longer. And we smile, when we look across the table and get a slow, smoldering wink and a single eyebrow raised message.
Best Places to Meet People
February 14, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
I know what everyone is thinking. You all think that I am going to say a bar is the best place to meet people. Not true! A bar is the best place to meet drunk people. Period. If you want to meet nice, friendly, non-drunk people, you have to go to other places. For instance, there are non drunk people at your job, right? If you work in a fairly large company, there are probably people you have not met, so go ahead and introduce yourself.
A little on the shy side? Consider a sports team as a way to break the ice. Sign up for the company softball team or agree to be an organizer for the next fun run. Not only will you be meeting people, you will be viewed as a real team player and that can come in handy when its time to do the next employee evaluations.
If you are self employed or work for a small company, then quit! But seriously, there are still places for you to meet people. Join a club or become active in your neighborhood’s groups. Start visiting the local coffee shop, just to hang out. Force yourself to strike up a conversation with at least one person before you are allowed to head back home. Figure out what interests you and talk about it.
If money is not an issue for you, perhaps you could take a guided tour to a place that you have never been. Make sure that you do not get booked on to one of the happy couple type excursions, ask if the travel agent has any singles specific tours. If you do not connect with someone on the trip, at least you can start a conversation with the girl at the photo lab, right?
If you are a parent, get involved with activities at your child’s school. Your kid may not like it, but you will be meeting all kinds of people. Can anybody say, soccer moms? If you are not a parent you could still volunteer at youth groups and such, but that might come off as a little creepy to some people, definitely not the impression you want to make on a potential date.
Honestly, you want to know where the best place to meet people is? Wherever there are people. If you are out shopping, go to the sections where your desired target would be. Looking for a woman? Head to the women’s department, but do not stand there and watch her shop for a bra. Gee, do I ever hate that! If you are looking for a man, head to a man type section of the store. I once struck up a conversation with a man in the fishing lure section of a well known store. I will let you in on a little secret: I have not interest whatsoever in fishing, but it gave me a great opening line to work with.
Unless you are a hermit, you are surrounded by people at least part of each day. Smile sweetly and say good morning wherever you go. You never know, that might be just the opening that shy little cutie has been waiting for!
Going in for the First Kiss
February 13, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
All night long you have stared at your date’s lips, practically drooling over the thought of that first kiss. Are her lips as sweet as they look? Will you melt at the softness of his? Will sparks fly and music blare like in the movies? Should you try for a little bit of tongue or not? Oh my God, does my breath smell like the garlic Alfredo?
There is nothing like that first kiss, especially when two people really like each other. That feeling of perfect chemistry that has you laughing and talking no stop without a single hint of awkwardness is like nothing else. But, that lingering doubt about the first kiss can really bother some people. They worry that it will be too soon, or it will be sadly lacking in style, substance or technique. Trust me, if a girl likes you enough, she will forgive virtually any first kiss faux pas.
If it is a fairly certain thing that you are going to get that first kiss, then try not to focus on it so much. Tension anywhere in your body will be in your lips as well, and no one likes a tight lipped kisser. Relax. You like kissing, remember? Consider the timing, the setting and the date itself and let those be your cues on how to proceed.
If you have just walked out of a very nice restaurant and she suggests a waterfront walk, then wait for the perfect dramatic moment and then kiss her. Don’t be over the top, but do go for a little flair on this one. Make is a special moment for her and you just might win her heart with a single kiss. Take her hand as you stroll and pick your target spot somewhere in the distance. Use the time before getting there to calm yourself down if you can. Turn her to face you and look at her for a moment or two. Stare into her eyes, then allow your gaze to trail down to her lips. Did you see that? Her lips were quivering just then, anticipating your kiss. Move in, slowly, slowly. Slide your hands up her arms, feeling her skin ripple with little goose bumps as you go. As your lips descend upon hers, gently slide your hands up to the side of her face, letting your thumbs stroke her cheeks as you take her breath away.
But, what if you are a woman that is just tired of waiting for your shy guy to make that first move? Simple. Make the move for him, there is nothing wrong with that. I made the first move with my boyfriend, not because I was worried that he would not, but because he was not making it fast enough for me. We were sitting in the car, I turned to him and gently said, “hey” then leaned in for a soft kiss. I pulled back, smiled at him and we have been together ever since.
A Gentle Way to End a Relationship
February 13, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
The most important thing to remember is honesty. If you know that the relationship is limping along to its demise, do not allow too much time to go by. Ending a relationship is never easy, especially when you truly do care for the other person. But, consider this: it is not fair to remain in a relationship if you are not giving it your all. Like the song says, “you gotta be cruel to be kind”. Break things off so that they can have the time to heal and to find the person that they themselves truly deserve to be with.
Sit your mate down and look them in the eyes. A gentle break up is done face to face; they deserve that little bit of consideration. Allow them to cry, maybe overreact a little bit, but do not change your mind. Of course they are crying, you have just broken their heart. Their sadness does not change the relationship or your general unhappiness. Can your really face a lifetime of having to make someone weep to convince you to remain with them?
List their good points and share them. Let them know that there are so many things that you love and admire about them, but that together you just do not work. Do not allow them to think that it is simply one or two problems that can be fixed. Sometimes the perfect people are just not perfect for each other. Try not to allow emotional outbursts to escalate to the point of a screaming match. You do not want to hurt this person if you can help it, you merely want to end things. Try to avoid cliches and tired phrases. Reminisce about good times, but remain firm. A few good times will not change the need to split up in the end.
Don’t try to offer to set your mate up with someone new. That is unbelievably cruel to suggest that you are already over him enough to see him with a new love. In fact, do not discuss the future at all. Make sure that you allow some time to answer a few questions and give a few explanations, but do not get drawn into a lengthy debate. You have your reasons and once they have been explained, that should be all that is necessary. Unless maybe communication was one of the sticking points in your relationship?
In the end, know that you did not do anything wrong. Ending a relationship is hard, and it is sad, but there are times when it is necessary for the sake of both parties. The end of an affair is not the end of the world, and staying together can sometimes be even worse. While you are stuck together in a loveless relationship, your respective perfect matches may be walking right past you. Tell them that you care for them, kiss them gently and then go. It’s for the best; for both of you.