Help to Get Back with an Ex
May 1, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
The break up was painful, and the time apart is excruciating. You think about that man night and day, usually while either sobbing or stomping around angry. Friends have tried to set you up with new men, but not a one of them can hold a candle to your ex and you know he is the only one for you. You have made the decision that you will get back with your ex, no matter what it takes, and give the relationship one last shot. But you need some help to get back with your ex and some moral support from your friends.
Keep in mind the fact that while you were going through the break up and its aftermath, you may have said some things that you wish you could take back. Your friends either quietly agreed with you or added fuel to the fire, but either way, ugly words have more than been said. Before you start pursuing your ex, clear the air with your friends and tell them what you intend to do. Explain that you were angry and that you appreciated their support during that terrible time of your life, but that he is truly the man you love and that their continued support is needed. Being your friends, they will agree whole heartedly and do whatever it takes to help you get back with your ex. Yeah, right! They will have a fit and ask if you have lost your mind completely! After the initial shock, they will come around though.
Next, consider the realistic side of things. Do you want to get back with your ex because you still love and miss him, or is it simply because you do not want to be alone? Are you running back to him because you are scared of the unknown? Did one or two bad dates sour you from men in general? Be honest with yourself and do not allow your loneliness or fear gloss over the reasons for the break up. His bad behaviors did not magically clear up when you broke up, so consider everything before moving ahead. If you broke up in the heat of an argument, that is one thing, but if you simply could not tolerate a nasty habit or another, then you are probably bound to repeat the same, sad cycle.
Do you know if your ex is still single? If the break up was because of infidelity, trying to get him back from the woman he left you for is sad, pathetic and fodder for countless country songs. The old saying “you lose a man the same way you got him” is repeated so often because it is painfully true. If you started a relationship with a man who is supposed to be committed, do you honestly think he will not eventually cheat on you too? If he is not single, then sit yourself down and ask: am I looking for love or revenge?
If he is still unattached, and you still want to pursue him, realize that nothing has inherently changed. He is still the same man, you are still the same woman. The problems with the relationship did not vanish. If you are not willing to talk about your issues, then you are not ready to try to work things out. Clear the air, list your grievances and see if compromises can be reached. If the answer is yes, then go slowly, carefully. Pretend he is someone new and relearn what made you love him in the first place. This time you will be more aware of the things that you know you do not love. Be sure you let him know what these things are before they escalate. Try not to get caught up in the rush of familiarity, and as always, try to think with your head rather than your heart.
Dating after Divorce
March 1, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Your marriage is over. After giving yourself time to heal and to recover, it is time to move on and resume dating. But, what is the best way to go about it? There are different methods for different situations, and no one thing will work universally, but there are some general tips.
If there are children involved, make sure that they are okay with the whole divorce situation before changing anything else. Be aware that dating is a learning process, so proceed with caution before introducing dates to your children. Do not allow an ever changing parade of faces to come and go from your children’s lives. They have had enough upheaval already. Wait until you yourself have gotten a bit more serious with someone before bringing the kids into it. On the other hand, do not ever hide the fact that you have children.
A divorce does more than change the family dynamic. Your relationship with friends will have changed as well. Though they will all deny it, your friends have all drawn battle lines before, during and after the marriage ended. No matter who has remained friends with you, the relationship itself will have changed. Maybe that single friend you have always admired can be something more now that you are single too. Feel uncomfortable with that idea? Then maybe he has other single friends he can introduce you to.
Questioning yourself and your attractiveness is normal after a divorce. Your husband no longer wants you after all, and you might allow yourself to think that no one else will either. Part of the healing process is knowing that your work as a human is not judged by the state of your marriage or the opinion of one man. Things did not work out with a single individual, not the whole gender.
The hardest part of dating after divorce, or of dating in general for that matter, is the first date. One you have made it through that very first date without a lot of emotional scars, the you will know you are on the road to recovery.
Sign up for a class at the community college and get out there meeting people. Before you know it, you will have a whole new circle of friends and potential dates. Get out there and start living your life again. Even if you do have children, you deserve some adult time with adult people. Get a new hair cut or a cute new outfit to signal your rebirth back into the world. Smile as much as you can, even if you have to fake it at first. Soon, those fake smiles will turn into the real thing and you will catch the eye of a nice man. Take it slowly, and realize that dating, especially after a divorce is about learning and growing. There will be failures. You might get your heart bruised, maybe even broken a time or two before you get it right. But one lesson that your divorce should have taught you is this: you are far stronger than you ever thought possible and you will get through this too, better, stronger and wiser on the other side.
How to Overcome a Painful Divorce
February 27, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Divorce is such an ugly word. It is almost as ugly and hurtful as the feelings that brew and boil inside of you after it happens. Even in the most amicable of divorces, there is still that feeling of failure, a feeling of letting go and that feeling of finality when the papers are signed and the marriage is legally declared “lover.” A marriage that ends tragically or angrily is even harder to deal with. It does more than just hurt, it kills part of your very soul.
I don’t know that you can truly overcome a painful divorce completely. I think instead that you heal around the scars that it leaves behind. You have to treat a divorce for what it truly is: an ending. It is just the same as a death in the family. You mourn the loss of a loved one, so too should you mourn the passing of a marriage.
Think back to your wedding day. You were filled with such love, joy and boundless hope at that time of your life. The future stretched out ahead of you like a rosy pink garden bursting with possibility. You saw days filled with laughter and nights filled with passion, never once dreaming of the turmoil and devastation that troubles you now. Divorce was merely something that happened to other people, except now it has in fact, happened to you,
Mourn. Allow yourself to feel your own feelings for your sanity’s sake. Do not let anybody ever tell you to forget it and just move on. Your heart is broken , damn it! Let it all go. Sob into your pillow, grab your best friend and weep on her shoulder, but let it go. Keeping it inside is not healthy. Express your feelings. Not a crier? Write in a journal, then or paint a picture, but those feelings of loss and sadness have to come out to make room for the more positive emotions to blossom when you are ready.
After you are done with the moping, you might be ready to move on to anger. Anger is also perfectly normal and healthy emotion to have after a painful divorce. Feel like kicking and screaming? Join a kick boxing class and wail tar out of a paid professional. You get buff while you vent, it’s a totally win-win situation! Why shouldn’t you be mad? That man stood before God, friends and family and swore he would love you ‘til death did you part. The last time you checked, neither of you were dead, so that means he lied to you and that is not fair! You’re right, it’s not fair and you have earned every right to be mad as hell.
Do you need counseling to overcome a painful divorce? That is a personal choice that only you can make. Some people cannot reach out to friends and family for support and would feel better taking their problems to a stranger. It is sad but true, some people cannot share their most intimate pain with blood relations, but can pick a stranger out of the phone book and spill their guts. And pay them to do it! If that is what you need to heal, then by all mean do so and do not let anyone talk you out of it. Talking will help, no matter who is doing the listening.
A divorce is an ending, but only of your marriage, not of your life. Maybe you can take this negative and turn it into something good. Your life is being overhauled already, maybe now is the time to take stock in other areas as well. Did you ever think about travel or a career change? Was there a restaurant that you always wanted to try but could not get your spouse interested in? Give it a try now, there is no one to stop you. Sign up for classes at the local community college, or go whole hog and aim for a degree. Write a novel, join the circus, do something to occupy yourself because as painful as it seems at this moment, divorce is not the end of the whole world.
Dating After a Separation
February 17, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
There is nothing harder than the end of a relationship. Nothing that is except resuming the dating life after a separation. Your friends will try to get you out on that first date too soon, and unless your family truly hated your spouse, will try to make you wait far too long. That first date is a killer, I know, but it must be done. There are just a few things to keep in mind before heading back out in the dating world.
First, make sure that you are moving at your own pace. No one expects you to walk out of a long term relationship without some emotional scars. Dating after a separation has to be about healing and that takes time. Let yourself mope and cry if that is what you need to do. Only you can decide when you are ready to move on.
Now, here is a tip that might make you think I have lost my mind, but bear with me, I do have a point. Do not turn down dates when you finally do get back out in the world. No, I do not advocate dinner and movies with any Joe Schmo that asks you to go, but going out to coffee is good practice. Yes, practice. Get out there and learn what you like and do not like, personality wise. Once you figure out what items are on the positive check list, you can go out and start looking for them!
Don’t try to find a replacement for your ex. That relationship failed for a reason, you know. Going on a lot of dates will also open your eyes to the veritable buffet of available singles out there, and the more dates that you do go on, the more likely you will see that you do not have to settle for less than the very best. Maybe you thought that you preferred athletes until you dated that football player with the odor issue. Lesson learned, right?
The more dates that you go on, especially after separation, the more confidence you will gain. That in turn will make you a happier, more well adjusted person. Once you are happy with you, the chances increase that you will finally meet Mr. Right. Until that day, it’s Mr. Right Now or home alone every Saturday night, it’s your choice. But think about this: do you really want to sit there eating cheese doodles and watching Lifetime movies every weekend while your ex is out partying and living the high life? Do you really want to pick up the Sunday paper and see his face smiling back at you from his engagement announcement photo? Really? Of course you don’t!
The timetable is different for everybody; some people’s hearts heal faster than others. One thing is true for everybody though; dating after a separation is hard. There will be bad dates where you come home and fling yourself on your bed and sob, thinking that you will never love again. Then there will be the good dates where you come home, your lips still quivering from that perfect good night kiss and sigh, thinking that maybe, just maybe there are some good guys out there after all.
A Gentle Way to End a Relationship
February 13, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
The most important thing to remember is honesty. If you know that the relationship is limping along to its demise, do not allow too much time to go by. Ending a relationship is never easy, especially when you truly do care for the other person. But, consider this: it is not fair to remain in a relationship if you are not giving it your all. Like the song says, “you gotta be cruel to be kind”. Break things off so that they can have the time to heal and to find the person that they themselves truly deserve to be with.
Sit your mate down and look them in the eyes. A gentle break up is done face to face; they deserve that little bit of consideration. Allow them to cry, maybe overreact a little bit, but do not change your mind. Of course they are crying, you have just broken their heart. Their sadness does not change the relationship or your general unhappiness. Can your really face a lifetime of having to make someone weep to convince you to remain with them?
List their good points and share them. Let them know that there are so many things that you love and admire about them, but that together you just do not work. Do not allow them to think that it is simply one or two problems that can be fixed. Sometimes the perfect people are just not perfect for each other. Try not to allow emotional outbursts to escalate to the point of a screaming match. You do not want to hurt this person if you can help it, you merely want to end things. Try to avoid cliches and tired phrases. Reminisce about good times, but remain firm. A few good times will not change the need to split up in the end.
Don’t try to offer to set your mate up with someone new. That is unbelievably cruel to suggest that you are already over him enough to see him with a new love. In fact, do not discuss the future at all. Make sure that you allow some time to answer a few questions and give a few explanations, but do not get drawn into a lengthy debate. You have your reasons and once they have been explained, that should be all that is necessary. Unless maybe communication was one of the sticking points in your relationship?
In the end, know that you did not do anything wrong. Ending a relationship is hard, and it is sad, but there are times when it is necessary for the sake of both parties. The end of an affair is not the end of the world, and staying together can sometimes be even worse. While you are stuck together in a loveless relationship, your respective perfect matches may be walking right past you. Tell them that you care for them, kiss them gently and then go. It’s for the best; for both of you.
Dating After a Separation
January 29, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
There is nothing harder than the end of a relationship. Nothing that is except resuming the dating life after a separation. Your friends will try to get you out on that first date too soon, and unless your family truly hated your spouse, will try to make you wait far too long. That first date is a killer, I know, but it must be done. There are just a few things to keep in mind before heading back out in the dating world.
First, make sure that you are moving at your own pace. No one expects you to walk out of a long term relationship without some emotional scars. Dating after a separation has to be about healing and that takes time. Let yourself mope and cry if that is what you need to do. Only you can decide when you are ready to move on.
Now, here is a tip that might make you think I have lost my mind, but bear with me, I do have a point. Do not turn down dates when you finally do get back out in the world. No, I do not advocate dinner and movies with any Joe Schmo that asks you to go, but going out to coffee is good practice. Yes, practice. Get out there and learn what you like and do not like, personality wise. Once you figure out what items are on the positive check list, you can go out and start looking for them!
Don’t try to find a replacement for your ex. That relationship failed for a reason, you know. Going on a lot of dates will also open your eyes to the veritable buffet of available singles out there, and the more dates that you do go on, the more likely you will see that you do not have to settle for less than the very best. Maybe you thought that you preferred athletes until you dated that football player with the odor issue. Lesson learned, right?
The more dates that you go on, especially after separation, the more confidence you will gain. That in turn will make you a happier, more well adjusted person. Once you are happy with you, the chances increase that you will finally meet Mr. Right. Until that day, it’s Mr. Right Now or home alone every Saturday night, it’s your choice. But think about this: do you really want to sit there eating cheese doodles and watching Lifetime movies every weekend while your ex is out partying and living the high life? Do you really want to pick up the Sunday paper and see his face smiling back at you from his engagement announcement photo? Really? Of course you don’t!
The timetable is different for everybody; some people’s hearts heal faster than others. One thing is true for everybody though; dating after a separation is hard. There will be bad dates where you come home and fling yourself on your bed and sob, thinking that you will never love again. Then there will be the good dates where you come home, your lips still quivering from that perfect good night kiss and sigh, thinking that maybe, just maybe there are some good guys out there after all.