Help to Get Back with an Ex
May 1, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
The break up was painful, and the time apart is excruciating. You think about that man night and day, usually while either sobbing or stomping around angry. Friends have tried to set you up with new men, but not a one of them can hold a candle to your ex and you know he is the only one for you. You have made the decision that you will get back with your ex, no matter what it takes, and give the relationship one last shot. But you need some help to get back with your ex and some moral support from your friends.
Keep in mind the fact that while you were going through the break up and its aftermath, you may have said some things that you wish you could take back. Your friends either quietly agreed with you or added fuel to the fire, but either way, ugly words have more than been said. Before you start pursuing your ex, clear the air with your friends and tell them what you intend to do. Explain that you were angry and that you appreciated their support during that terrible time of your life, but that he is truly the man you love and that their continued support is needed. Being your friends, they will agree whole heartedly and do whatever it takes to help you get back with your ex. Yeah, right! They will have a fit and ask if you have lost your mind completely! After the initial shock, they will come around though.
Next, consider the realistic side of things. Do you want to get back with your ex because you still love and miss him, or is it simply because you do not want to be alone? Are you running back to him because you are scared of the unknown? Did one or two bad dates sour you from men in general? Be honest with yourself and do not allow your loneliness or fear gloss over the reasons for the break up. His bad behaviors did not magically clear up when you broke up, so consider everything before moving ahead. If you broke up in the heat of an argument, that is one thing, but if you simply could not tolerate a nasty habit or another, then you are probably bound to repeat the same, sad cycle.
Do you know if your ex is still single? If the break up was because of infidelity, trying to get him back from the woman he left you for is sad, pathetic and fodder for countless country songs. The old saying “you lose a man the same way you got him” is repeated so often because it is painfully true. If you started a relationship with a man who is supposed to be committed, do you honestly think he will not eventually cheat on you too? If he is not single, then sit yourself down and ask: am I looking for love or revenge?
If he is still unattached, and you still want to pursue him, realize that nothing has inherently changed. He is still the same man, you are still the same woman. The problems with the relationship did not vanish. If you are not willing to talk about your issues, then you are not ready to try to work things out. Clear the air, list your grievances and see if compromises can be reached. If the answer is yes, then go slowly, carefully. Pretend he is someone new and relearn what made you love him in the first place. This time you will be more aware of the things that you know you do not love. Be sure you let him know what these things are before they escalate. Try not to get caught up in the rush of familiarity, and as always, try to think with your head rather than your heart.
How to Break the Ice in Conversation
April 14, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Want a worse scenario? Picture yourself on a date with Mr. Hunky McHotbuns, gazing across the table at him and desperately searching for something, anything to say to break the ice and get the conversation started. So what are you going to do? Surely you are not going to allow the night to end in failure and let that luscious creature out of your life without a single word? Come on! Pick a word and say it.
Normally your friends complain that you cannot be shut up and now you have gone mute?
That old “open with a joke” thing can be tricky. First off, can you actually tell a joke? Some people can, and some people cannot so know which one you are before you even try. If you can tell a joke, do you know what kind of humor your companion enjoys? You do not want to open with a joke that steps on someone’s toes or offends in any way.
So exactly how should you break the ice then? Go with a heartfelt and honest compliment. Something safe and innocuous like ‘pretty shirt” or,
“I like your cologne.” Hopefully they will counter with an amusing story about how they ended up with the shirt and the conversation will grow from there.
Asking questions is a good ploy too, but try to avoid any question that can be answered with yes or no. You want to ask simple, direct questions that will require three or more words to answer. Pay attention to the response and see if there are any follow up questions that you could ask to keep conversation flowing. Make sure you keep asking questions about your companion until you stumble on the topic that gets the conversation really going.
Once you have finally gotten the ice broken and the conversation is flowing, try to avoid the talk killers. Skip politics, religion and stories about your crazy Aunt Ruth on a first date. ( You actually might want to keep the Aunt Ruth stories to yourself until just before she makes it through the receiving line at your wedding.) Sports can be an iffy topic if there is the possibility of a sport rivalry between you. Say it’s the Stanley Cup playoffs and you are a die hard Boston Bruin fan while your date is a Wing nut ’til she dies kind of girl, then tempers might flare a little. If you can both agree to disagree, however, sports can be a great way to get a little friendly back and forth banter going.
Food is a fairly safe topic, especially if you are at a restaurant. Ask him about his favorite meal, or what weird thing he used to like a child. By the time your food comes for the meal at hand, you will be chatting and laughing like old friends. Just remember not to eat with your mouth full.
How to Find the Perfect Mate
April 6, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
I wonder how many people’s perfect mate is right now under their very noses, hidden by the word “friend”? You know, that special guy that you turn to every time some “hunky dreamboat” or another has broken your hear,(again) and left you a whimpering, downtrodden mess. But, we get all caught up in the image of what our dream mate looks like and we forget the truly important thing: what our dream mate makes us feel like. If the good lucking guy makes you feel bad, is he really a dream?
Growing up, we all had our teen idols that we had our first crushes and girly lust moments over, but growing up means realizing that sometimes what is on the outside does not hold a candle to what is on the inside. Unfortunately, for some of us, that lesson is a hard learned one, and so we are bound to get our foolish hearts broken a time or two while searching for Mr. Hotstuff so that we can turn him into our dream mate. Got a little secret for you girls: it is not going to happen. Looking for a mate by looks alone is not going to get you nothing but a good looking creep. Now, there are those that get the guys that are not only handsome, but charming, funny and sweet too. Is that you? Lucky thing, I hate your guts!
You really have to know what it is that you want out of life before you know who your dream mate might even be. You have to know your goals, your temperament and for most of all, you have to know yourself before you throw another person into the mix. If you know that you want to be a world traveler for instance, you better not tie your dream wagon to a guy that gets car sick backing out of the driveway. Either the guy has to change or the dream, so you have decide what you will and will not give in on. Everyone has one or two must haves and can’t stands, know what yours are before you even start looking.
For me, a sense of humor is just as important as having air to breath. I need to laugh, preferably every day. I could not live with a seriously uptight, no nonsense kind of man that thought laughing was frivolous. Right there I have ruled out one whole category of men. It used to be that I was sure it would be a big, tall, Russian hockey player that won my heart, ( okay, so I really did fine tune my fantasy man, sue me.) but my thoughts on that have changed dramatically. For one thing, there are not a whole lot of hockey players, Russian or otherwise, in my general area. I could either a)move or b) change the dream. As luck would have it, the dream changed itself for me when I met a fellow hockey fan who is not a tall, Russian hockey player. He is an insurance agent for Pete sake! I would not take ten hockey players for him now; my dream mate has totally changed.
Be flexible. Ease up on yourself. Know that there is a huge difference between fantasy and a dream mate. A fantasy is the one that will never happen, and you can change it daily. The dream mate? Well, that one is changeable too, until you meet the one that truly is your dream mate. I hope you find him soon.
How to Overcome a Painful Divorce
February 27, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Divorce is such an ugly word. It is almost as ugly and hurtful as the feelings that brew and boil inside of you after it happens. Even in the most amicable of divorces, there is still that feeling of failure, a feeling of letting go and that feeling of finality when the papers are signed and the marriage is legally declared “lover.” A marriage that ends tragically or angrily is even harder to deal with. It does more than just hurt, it kills part of your very soul.
I don’t know that you can truly overcome a painful divorce completely. I think instead that you heal around the scars that it leaves behind. You have to treat a divorce for what it truly is: an ending. It is just the same as a death in the family. You mourn the loss of a loved one, so too should you mourn the passing of a marriage.
Think back to your wedding day. You were filled with such love, joy and boundless hope at that time of your life. The future stretched out ahead of you like a rosy pink garden bursting with possibility. You saw days filled with laughter and nights filled with passion, never once dreaming of the turmoil and devastation that troubles you now. Divorce was merely something that happened to other people, except now it has in fact, happened to you,
Mourn. Allow yourself to feel your own feelings for your sanity’s sake. Do not let anybody ever tell you to forget it and just move on. Your heart is broken , damn it! Let it all go. Sob into your pillow, grab your best friend and weep on her shoulder, but let it go. Keeping it inside is not healthy. Express your feelings. Not a crier? Write in a journal, then or paint a picture, but those feelings of loss and sadness have to come out to make room for the more positive emotions to blossom when you are ready.
After you are done with the moping, you might be ready to move on to anger. Anger is also perfectly normal and healthy emotion to have after a painful divorce. Feel like kicking and screaming? Join a kick boxing class and wail tar out of a paid professional. You get buff while you vent, it’s a totally win-win situation! Why shouldn’t you be mad? That man stood before God, friends and family and swore he would love you ‘til death did you part. The last time you checked, neither of you were dead, so that means he lied to you and that is not fair! You’re right, it’s not fair and you have earned every right to be mad as hell.
Do you need counseling to overcome a painful divorce? That is a personal choice that only you can make. Some people cannot reach out to friends and family for support and would feel better taking their problems to a stranger. It is sad but true, some people cannot share their most intimate pain with blood relations, but can pick a stranger out of the phone book and spill their guts. And pay them to do it! If that is what you need to heal, then by all mean do so and do not let anyone talk you out of it. Talking will help, no matter who is doing the listening.
A divorce is an ending, but only of your marriage, not of your life. Maybe you can take this negative and turn it into something good. Your life is being overhauled already, maybe now is the time to take stock in other areas as well. Did you ever think about travel or a career change? Was there a restaurant that you always wanted to try but could not get your spouse interested in? Give it a try now, there is no one to stop you. Sign up for classes at the local community college, or go whole hog and aim for a degree. Write a novel, join the circus, do something to occupy yourself because as painful as it seems at this moment, divorce is not the end of the whole world.