Ten Ways to Save a Relationship
May 5, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
The fact that you are both willing to try anything at all is a good sign in my book, And there are ways to save a relationship, but it takes work.
1. Spend time remembering what drew you together in the first place. Did you fall in love with her quirky sense of humor? Did he drive you wild in his football jersey? What exactly attracted you to one another? Find something from your mutual past and use it to reconnect with your partner. Take her to a comedy and club and watch her let loose. Dig out his old jersey and ask him to wear it. Even if you have to pretend to be these people for a minute or two, go back in time to when your love was new. The feelings are still there, they have just been buried under the stress of life. Let them back out.
2. Touch for the sake of touching. When we are angry, hurt or sad, we tend to withdraw back into ourselves. We stop reaching out to our loved ones and that makes them hurt, angry and sad. Reach out and stroke your wife’s hair. Run your fingers along your husband’s arm. Allow your hips to gently brush against one another as you pass in the hallway. Just touch each other.
3. Kissing is different from touching. With touching, it can be misconstrued as accidental. There is no way to unintentionally kiss somebody. Women: take your husband’s face in your hands, stare him right in the eyes and then kiss him, softly and slowly. You would be surprised how fast passion can melt away anger.
4. Try a change of scenery. Staring at the same four walls when you are angry with someone can make the most beautifully decorated room feel like a jail cell. Go away for the weekend, even if it is only to a local hotel. The change may allow you to relax enough to discuss what is wrong, or maybe it will suddenly seem so insignificant that you forget it completely.
5. Act like you are strangers. Have you ever noticed that we treat perfect strangers with more dignity and respect than we do our loved ones? Our manners in general public can be exquisite while at home we turn into Penny and Paulie Pig, grunting and squealing at our spouses. Doesn’t sound fair, does it? Try to be more polite while at home and see if that changes things. Ask sweetly for something and include a “please.” Say thank you for tasks completed, no matter how small. Give and receive compliments graciously. Act like you really do like this person.
6. Learn something new as a couple. If you can stop bickering long enough, agree to try a new hobby or sport. Pick up some used golf clubs and go down to the golf course for a few rounds. Hike in the woods, bike on a trail; do something new and possibly exciting and discover a whole new side to your lover.
7. Talk it out. You have pouted for over a week because he did not notice your new hair cut. Unless you hacked off more than six inches of hair, it might be because he did not register such a subtle change as quickly as your female friends did. Then again, maybe he did notice and didn’t really care for it. Maybe the whole point of him not saying anything is because he was afraid he would hurt your feelings. And yet, here you are, with hurt feelings. Tell him about it. He cannot read your mind, so tell him that you cut your hair and that he did not notice. Tell him that you are mad as hell about it. Of course, after he tells you what he really thought about your hair, you might be even madder than that!
8. Write a letter. It might seem strange to write a letter to someone who is sitting across the breakfast table, but if you are not communicating any other way, it might be a safer option. List all the points that you want to make and then write. Don’t worry about how it is worded, you are not going for Wordsworth, after all. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. And always remember: do not ever put into writing today what you do not want to be reminded of tomorrow.
9. Seek counseling. If all else fails, try a couple’s counselor. If you truly want to save your relationship, the impartial wisdom of an outside party might be just the saving grace you need. You vent to your friends, and they all agree that you have married a slovenly pig. He vents to his friends and they all agree with him that he has married a soul crushing shrew. A counselor will not take sides and may be able to steer you onto the right path of self healing.
10. As a last resort consider a trial separation. If all else has failed, agree to spend a weekend apart with no communication of any kind. The time alone will give you time to reflect and renew. Besides, you know the old saying: absence makes the heart grow fonder.
How to Read a Date’s Body Language
May 4, 2011 by admin · 1 Comment
Two people are sitting across from each other making small talk and giggling nervously at the small gaps of silence. They are on a first date and for the life of them, they both wish that they had a clue of how things were going. Straight out asking sounds like you are asking for a job performance review or worse; it sounds pathetic and needy. So, how do you know how things are going then? How do you read your date’s body language?
Is your date making eye contact at all? Is it warm and inviting contact or is it menacingly intense and kind of creepy? The eyes are the windows to the soul, they should be your first clue to success or imminent failure. If your date has not looked up from his plate a single time or worse, is openly ogling the waitress, the date is not going well. On the other hand, if he looks up, makes eye contact, smiles and then resumes eating, you might just be doing okay.
Now, onto more intensive clues. Has your date initiated or reciprocated physical contact at all? Or, has every brush of flesh on flesh been met with a violent jerking away and look of sheer horror? If your dates is stroking your arm as she talks to you, she is more than likely expressing an interest in you. Look for the touch of connection: she puts her hand on your chest or your shoulder and the other hand on her own chest. It is a subtle signal, but an effective one. Of course, she could also be inordinately proud of her own cleavage too.
Ladies, has your date placed his hand on the small of your back as you walked into buildings? This is usually a gesture of protectiveness. Properly done, it is a sweet signal that he is a caring man and only wants to take care of you. Done wrong, it is a face slappable movement that I believe is called a “booty grab.” Remember that guys: small of back= perfectly fine, sweet gesture; booty grab=face smack and potential angry lecture.
Of course, male or female, gay or straight, the question that begs answering is: do I get that first kiss or not? That is where able to read body language can be the most important. Is your fiddling with her lips? Maybe popping mints left and right and smiling at you? (If she is popping mints and not smiling, she might be ill, so ask if she is okay.) Watch for her to start looking at your with slightly closed eyes, like a sleepy cat. She may tip her head slightly while talking to you. She may even reach out and brush imaginary crumbs from your chin. The signs are all there, the lights are green, so kiss her. You can learn exactly how the date went by that first kiss.
Did she pull away slightly and give you closed lipper? Or, did she lean into the kiss, pressing herself, chest to hip to you, sighing as she did? If you got a leaning kiss, the date went really well and you are probably on track for a second one. If you got a closed lipper, don’t despair right away. Perhaps you rushed things a bit. Wait and see if she wants to get away from your right away. If not, then you might have a second shot at a less restrained kiss. Wait a little bit, do some more body language reading. So you blew the first kiss, so what? You can always blow her away if you time it right for the second one.
How to Get a Girl’s Phone Number
April 22, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
There you stand, look at you! Little knots of men standing in the bar, watching the girls drink and dance. You have spotted “the One”and you wish you knew what to do. You do know that if you do not make a move soon, she will either disappear or worse, stroll out of here on the arms of someone more bold. You don’t even know her name yet, but you are already having a jealous break down. What is a poor fellow to do?
First of all, slow down on the drinking. Being approached by a sloshingly drunk man is not at all appealing, no matter how attractive he is ordinarily. Try to ditch your entourage for the moment. Would you want an entire group of your laughing friends to hear you get shot down if this goes poorly? Pop into the bathroom and have a quick peek at yourself. Slick your hair down, but avoid that cheap bathroom cologne. Finally check your break and pop a mint if you need one. Square off your shoulder, suck in your gut and head on out there.
Don’t just stomp over to the target girl and grunt out the first thing that pops into your mind, but steer clear of the tired opening lines. No one is going to fall for the “did you hurt yourself when you fell out of heaven” line, trust me. Stick with the simple basics, and keep in mind that if you are in a loud bar, meaningful conversation is going to be impossible. Walk up, smile and wait for a smile in return. If she rolls her eyes as soon as you walk up, you have more than likely just been handed the no sale sign, so move on. If you get a smile, then all systems are a go for the next step. Stick out your hand and introduce yourself. Shake her hand gently but firmly. You do not want her to think you are treating her like she will break, but you do not want to hurt her either. Oh, and guys, a hand shake is two gentle shakes, not an opportunity to get some cheap chest jiggling action going. Ask her name, and then use it when speaking to her. Repeating her name shows that you were paying attention and that you are interested in her as a person.
Wait for a lull in the loud music and then take your chance. Lean in, but try not to blatantly peep down her top. Tell her that you noticed her earlier. Be honest and try not to sound too sappy about it. Ask if she would be interested in grabbing a cup of coffee or something with you sometime. If she says yes, then ask her for her phone number, but don’t blow your progress by pulling out some ratty, tacky black book from your back pocket. Some people will program every number they get immediately into their cell phone, but that makes no sense to me. What if you never actually go out? Or worse, what if you go out and have a perfect stinkeroo of a time? It’s best to save programming that number in after a successful date or two. Ask if she has something to write her number on. If she doesn’t grab a napkin and show her how resourceful you can be. No napkins? Stick out your arm and let her write her info there. You get the number, you get a little body contact; just don’t get caught looking down her blouse!
How to Find the Perfect Mate
April 6, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
I wonder how many people’s perfect mate is right now under their very noses, hidden by the word “friend”? You know, that special guy that you turn to every time some “hunky dreamboat” or another has broken your hear,(again) and left you a whimpering, downtrodden mess. But, we get all caught up in the image of what our dream mate looks like and we forget the truly important thing: what our dream mate makes us feel like. If the good lucking guy makes you feel bad, is he really a dream?
Growing up, we all had our teen idols that we had our first crushes and girly lust moments over, but growing up means realizing that sometimes what is on the outside does not hold a candle to what is on the inside. Unfortunately, for some of us, that lesson is a hard learned one, and so we are bound to get our foolish hearts broken a time or two while searching for Mr. Hotstuff so that we can turn him into our dream mate. Got a little secret for you girls: it is not going to happen. Looking for a mate by looks alone is not going to get you nothing but a good looking creep. Now, there are those that get the guys that are not only handsome, but charming, funny and sweet too. Is that you? Lucky thing, I hate your guts!
You really have to know what it is that you want out of life before you know who your dream mate might even be. You have to know your goals, your temperament and for most of all, you have to know yourself before you throw another person into the mix. If you know that you want to be a world traveler for instance, you better not tie your dream wagon to a guy that gets car sick backing out of the driveway. Either the guy has to change or the dream, so you have decide what you will and will not give in on. Everyone has one or two must haves and can’t stands, know what yours are before you even start looking.
For me, a sense of humor is just as important as having air to breath. I need to laugh, preferably every day. I could not live with a seriously uptight, no nonsense kind of man that thought laughing was frivolous. Right there I have ruled out one whole category of men. It used to be that I was sure it would be a big, tall, Russian hockey player that won my heart, ( okay, so I really did fine tune my fantasy man, sue me.) but my thoughts on that have changed dramatically. For one thing, there are not a whole lot of hockey players, Russian or otherwise, in my general area. I could either a)move or b) change the dream. As luck would have it, the dream changed itself for me when I met a fellow hockey fan who is not a tall, Russian hockey player. He is an insurance agent for Pete sake! I would not take ten hockey players for him now; my dream mate has totally changed.
Be flexible. Ease up on yourself. Know that there is a huge difference between fantasy and a dream mate. A fantasy is the one that will never happen, and you can change it daily. The dream mate? Well, that one is changeable too, until you meet the one that truly is your dream mate. I hope you find him soon.
How to Find a Dream Guy
April 2, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Isn’t it funny that if you walked into a group of women and asked to describe their dream guy the answers would differ wildly? It’s true. There is not universal “dream guy,” and what’s more give those same women ten years and the answer might just be different again. Dreams change and evolve, so does taste and knowledge; accept those facts and you will be much happier.
First things first, ignore your friend that is drooling over the exotic dancer over there. He is either gay or an actor working on his first big break, (read: unemployed), maybe even both. Now, ignore your mother with her “only marry a doctor or lawyer” lines. Young doctors work hideous and long hours, and you know what the issue is with lawyers. You have heard all the lawyer jokes right? Now, the advice you just got from me? Ignore it too. Yes, you heard me, ignore my first piece of advice. That is the key word for you to focus on, your mantra: ignore.
Your friends and family want you to be happy, but they have preconceived notions about what your happiness is going to look like. You have to make that choice for yourself. If you are a wild and crazy, living on the edge kind of girl, then a traditional marriage with a buttoned up kind of guy is not going to be your ideal, is it? The dream guy must fit the dream life and letting someone else write the script is just sad and wrong. Plus it almost never works out in the end.
If you know your own personality, your likes and dislikes and your goals for the future, then you more that likely will know the basic type of dream guy to be in it. Don’t get hung up on that one type though, you might be missing out on more than just a new man, you might be missing out on the love of a lifetime.
Yes, I once had a dream in mind. I would marry the blonde boy down the road and together we would make beautiful blonde babies. That did not happen. The boy met someone else and had the angelic blondes while I moved to another state. The dream changed and so too did the dream guy. I accepted the change and thankfully, found out that you do not base a life decision on hair color, or any potential changes he may bring into your future.
Start your search for the dream guy by taking a good hard look at the men you are dating or friends with now. Are any of them even near to dream guy status? Have you had a serious change of opinion about any of them in recent months? Have you suddenly started looking at your best guy friend in a whole new way lately? Your dream guy is not some buff, glossy haired stud all the time. Sometimes he is the short, funny guy that show up for your first date with flowers and always asks if your hands are warm enough. You never saw yourself falling in love with him, but now you cannot stop thinking about him. The dream changed and so too did the dream guy. Lucky you, sounds like you found him.
How to Find the Perfect Mate
March 27, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
You have to know what you want and what you need from your relationship. Then you can decide what defines the word perfect for your. For instance my definition always includes the words: smart, funny, adventurous and kind. You might notice that my perfect mate is not defined in physical terms. My tastes in that have changed over the years, but the really important qualities have never wavered at all. Call me crazy, but I will take a smart and funny insurance agent over a handsome, vapid barely employed actor any day of the week. My definition of perfect does not work for my best friend, nor does hers work for me.
One of the easiest ways to know if someone is your perfect mate is to actually spend time with them. Go on a cruise and see how well you relate to each other when you are stuck at sea without a chance of escape. Make sure that you have interests both mutual and individual. You do not want to wake up one morning and find that you have absolutely nothing in common with the person that you declared was your perfect mate. On the other hand, you will want to have interests outside the relationship as well. No one is so perfect that you want to spend every single moment with them after all. Give yourself a chance to miss that person every now and then to keep things fresh between you.
Most importantly: do not pretend to be someone that you are not to “get” this perfect mate. They deserve their perfect mate as well, and if you are pretending to be someone other than who you are, how will they know if you perfect or not? Don’t pretend to be a sports fan to snare that athlete that you have had your eye on and expect to make a lasting relationship with him. For one thing, if you are really not into sports, you have just kicked things off with a big lie. Not only will that make him question everything else about the relationship, it will make him rethink his own priorities. Do you really envision a life of faking enthusiasm when sports does nothing more than bore and bewilder you? Or are you planning on sitting sporting events for the rest of your lives together, content to go out and do your own thing? That might be an awful lot of time spent apart, is that really what you want for the rest of your life?
Your perfect mate can be the last person on earth you would have dreamed of. It could be the living version of your fantasy. Either way, it has to be the person that is perfect for you and you alone. Make sure that it is the perfect mate for the real you, and not someone who is attracted by a manufactured image that you cannot maintain for a lifetime.
Choosing a Good Restaurant for a Date
March 21, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Food is more than fuel for our bodies, especially on a date. It becomes a celebration, a first impression and an ice breaker if all else fails. If you are dating someone for the first time, and you would like for it to go well, then you most choose the restaurant with the utmost care and attention to detail. One bad move and you could ruin what might have been the beginning of something beautiful. On the other hand, a really good choice could very well save you from sheer disaster.
If this is a first date, then take the time to get to know a little bit about your companion’s preferences. There is nothing worse than showing up in front of the local steak house only to find out that your date is a die hard vegetarian. If you know any of her friends or family, pick their brains for her favorite meals, or any other tidbits. It will make you look like a very caring man and you start the evening off already ahead on “points”.
Skip the five star places, you will either come off looking pretentious or pathetic. Save those places for special occasions later in the relationship. On the other hand, don’t go totally cheap and try a fast food place either; nothing says I don’t care like a date that starts off with talking into a plastic clown head. Your best bet is to choose a mid-price, sit down type restaurant with a wide ranging menu. Most places can accommodate special requests, so don’t be afraid to ask.
Choosing a good restaurant for your date also means choosing to dress appropriately and to use good manners as well. Don’t think you are going to get very far with a date if you have just walked up to the door of a very nice, Italian restaurant in cut off jeans and flip flops. Humiliation is not an aphrodisiac, trust me. Do show up nicely dressed, and hold the door open for her, good manners never go out of style.
At the table, decide whether or not you will order for both of you, or if she would prefer to give her selection to the server herself. Some women think that is urbane and sophisticated, others find it creepy and demeaning, so ask first. Watch for her cues for your own behavior. If she does not even glance at the wine menu, ask if she would mind if you had a glass first, she might be anti-alcohol, and your glass of wine may just cost you, big time.
Definitely offer her dessert. If she refuses, but does so rather reluctantly, then order her something to go, or offer to split her choice with her. (If it is chocolate, you will have earned major brownie points, pardon the pun).
Lastly, when the check comes, don’t make some huge production about paying it. If she wants to pay part, and you want to pay the whole thing, do not ruin a nice evening with an argument. Suggest that she pay the tip, or pay for the movie. Or better yet, tell her that she can buy the meal on your next date. You have just deflected potential hurt feelings, and asked for a second date in one smooth move. You have to admire an efficient man!
Dating a Younger Man
March 4, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
First know this: every catty comment hissed at you by your friends and coworkers is nothing more than the bitter taste of jealousy. They eat their heart out every time that young man comes to your office. Your neighbors crowd around doors and peepholes when he comes to your home to pick you up. They are wildly mad with jealousy, it practically kills them. Ignore them, the poor dears.
Know that younger men are actually more open to learning new things both in and out of bed. Older men have the notion that they already know everything about pleasing a woman and will bristle at any suggestion to the contrary. Younger men not only want you to teach them how best to please you, they are enthusiastic students. Very enthusiastic students!
Not only are they willing to learn what pleases a woman, they also want to know a few social lessons as well. They want to learn from your experiences; they want to learn about grace and good manners in both business and social situations. They are just starting to build their career, but the young man is usually not insecure about your own successes. In fact, they are usually quite supportive and proud of all that you have done.
Dating a younger man is going to mean that you are going to stay active. Not only will you feel that you must keep everything as toned and taut as possible for your man, he will want you to come along with him on active pursuits. Most younger men do not want a sideline girlfriend, they want someone who will actually come along and participate in whatever comes along.
Younger men are pretty flexible about clothing, so do not go overboard trying to wear the latest trends. There is a point in a woman’s life where she must realize that able to wear something is not the same as should be wearing it. Simply fitting into something does not mean it is attractive on you. Think about it, when was the last time you saw an older woman who actually looked great in a miniskirt? Okay, besides Tina Turner. No one is saying start wearing granny gear, but shopping in the junior miss when you are well past that age group is a no-no.
Speaking of no-no’s: do not use the term “boy toy” in reference to the younger man you are dating. Do not allow others to use the term either. It is degrading and minimizes any sense of real feeling that you might have for each other. Allowing others to use the term says that you have no real respect for your guy. Using the term yourself says the same thing, as well as saying that you view him as an object, no an equal partner. Even if you say it in a playful, teasing manner, the message is sent and read loud and clear.
How to Overcome a Painful Divorce
February 27, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
Divorce is such an ugly word. It is almost as ugly and hurtful as the feelings that brew and boil inside of you after it happens. Even in the most amicable of divorces, there is still that feeling of failure, a feeling of letting go and that feeling of finality when the papers are signed and the marriage is legally declared “lover.” A marriage that ends tragically or angrily is even harder to deal with. It does more than just hurt, it kills part of your very soul.
I don’t know that you can truly overcome a painful divorce completely. I think instead that you heal around the scars that it leaves behind. You have to treat a divorce for what it truly is: an ending. It is just the same as a death in the family. You mourn the loss of a loved one, so too should you mourn the passing of a marriage.
Think back to your wedding day. You were filled with such love, joy and boundless hope at that time of your life. The future stretched out ahead of you like a rosy pink garden bursting with possibility. You saw days filled with laughter and nights filled with passion, never once dreaming of the turmoil and devastation that troubles you now. Divorce was merely something that happened to other people, except now it has in fact, happened to you,
Mourn. Allow yourself to feel your own feelings for your sanity’s sake. Do not let anybody ever tell you to forget it and just move on. Your heart is broken , damn it! Let it all go. Sob into your pillow, grab your best friend and weep on her shoulder, but let it go. Keeping it inside is not healthy. Express your feelings. Not a crier? Write in a journal, then or paint a picture, but those feelings of loss and sadness have to come out to make room for the more positive emotions to blossom when you are ready.
After you are done with the moping, you might be ready to move on to anger. Anger is also perfectly normal and healthy emotion to have after a painful divorce. Feel like kicking and screaming? Join a kick boxing class and wail tar out of a paid professional. You get buff while you vent, it’s a totally win-win situation! Why shouldn’t you be mad? That man stood before God, friends and family and swore he would love you ‘til death did you part. The last time you checked, neither of you were dead, so that means he lied to you and that is not fair! You’re right, it’s not fair and you have earned every right to be mad as hell.
Do you need counseling to overcome a painful divorce? That is a personal choice that only you can make. Some people cannot reach out to friends and family for support and would feel better taking their problems to a stranger. It is sad but true, some people cannot share their most intimate pain with blood relations, but can pick a stranger out of the phone book and spill their guts. And pay them to do it! If that is what you need to heal, then by all mean do so and do not let anyone talk you out of it. Talking will help, no matter who is doing the listening.
A divorce is an ending, but only of your marriage, not of your life. Maybe you can take this negative and turn it into something good. Your life is being overhauled already, maybe now is the time to take stock in other areas as well. Did you ever think about travel or a career change? Was there a restaurant that you always wanted to try but could not get your spouse interested in? Give it a try now, there is no one to stop you. Sign up for classes at the local community college, or go whole hog and aim for a degree. Write a novel, join the circus, do something to occupy yourself because as painful as it seems at this moment, divorce is not the end of the whole world.
How to Find a Dream Girl
February 27, 2011 by admin · Leave a Comment
If you know what you want, then you will know where to start looking. Just looking for a wild, one night throw down? Your dream girl might be found in the local bar then. Looking for something more serious? You might consider not looking for love in among the drunken and the desperate.
Start your search by sharing what you are looking for with your friends. Wild animals hunt in packs, so why not the human male? The more people you have on the search, the more likely you will turn up a strong candidate or two. The more options, the better the odds are that you will have some success.
Understand that the concept of a dream girl is a malleable one. What you think of as perfect can prove herself vapid and shallow in the blink of a false eyelash. Once your heart gets involved, that girl you have been kind of seeing can suddenly be bumped up to dream girl status. Don’t get hung up on what society declares ideal, you never know who you will click with once you are face to face.
So, where do you find your dream girl? She could be anywhere, really. She could be the perky blonde passing you in the hallway at work. She could be the smoldering brunette that washes her clothes in your apartment’s laundry room every Thursday night. She might even be the fiery red head that serves you your morning latte. Women are all around you and one of them might very well be your dream girl. You simply have to start talking to them and decide which ones to take out on a date for further consideration.
Remember too, that the dream itself might change when you do find the dream girl. You might have told everybody that you will remain single forever, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Then you meet “her” and everything changes. You start thinking about marriage and having visions of forever. The girl and the dream have changed and you could not be happier. Just think, if you had stayed mule headed about ti, you would have missed out on the opportunity to find this dream girl and the life she has brought with her.
So, smile at the perky blonde or the hot brunette; she just might be your dream girl in hiding. It’s up to you to find her and blow her cover.